I didn’t know the name for it when I started having sex at 17. It was just this thing.
I knew I enjoyed it and I knew it excited me, but I did not learn what it was called until after I entered college.
“BDSM stands for bondage, discipline or domination, submission or sadism and masochism,” explained Kass James, a professional in the Greensboro area. James and his fiancé, whom I met at school, were the first people who helped me name my interest.
“Many people have the opinion that it is nature versus nurture, so it is either something you are born into or something you come into because of taste,” said Paige Sumner, a member of the Asheville BDSM community. “I’ve always been interested in this.”
Bondage is one of the more common “kinks” people choose to employ in the bedroom and can take on a variety of forms.
From simply holding a partner’s arms during foreplay or intercourse to introducing rope, leather cuffs and other restraints into the act, the key idea is the same. The act must be safe, sane and consensual.
“Safety is a bit of a conundrum in the community because what one person considers safe isn’t necessarily what another couple considers safe,” Sumner said.
As an art form or just as a way to have fun, bondage is a complex act in which people can get hurt. It can also be a very enjoyable part of a healthy sexual relationship when undertaken properly.
“Some people view bondage as evil and weird and not the norm,” Sumner said. “These are also the people who do it missionary on the third Sunday in the middle of June. They consider bondage to be on the same level of evil as rapists or pedophiles.”
It is very important to note that bondage is not the same as rape. Rape is not part of a healthy relationship and is a terrible thing for someone to experience. This is why many in the BDSM community insist on safe words and gestures that may be used if the person tied down wishes to stop. Just because someone is tied down does not mean they are not in control of the situation.
To attempt bondage safely, there should be a certain amount of research and discussion involved to avoid uncomfortable or dangerous situations.
“Know what you are doing before you do it. That is probably the one thing that would solve most people’s problems,” James said. “People try to jump in without knowing what they are doing and it is not as easy as some of us make it look.”
College is, for many students, an age of experimentation. It is also an age when we seem to have the least amount of money. This combination, especially in the case of bondage, can lead to dangerous results.
“The number one problem or danger with the type of stuff people do, especially on a college campus, is people try to be inventive and cheap with things that are readily available,” James said. “The problem with that is that they tend to use materials that can be dangerous when used to tie people up.”
If the idea of safe bondage seems out of reach, consider this quick physics lesson. Pressure is the force on an object that is spread over a surface area.
The larger the surface area, the less the pressure applied, but on a small surface area the same amount of force will cause a greater amount of pressure.
Therefore using things such as zip ties, phone cords and clothes can cut off circulation or even cut the skin. But there are cheap items that are safe to use for purposes of bondage.
“You can go to a home improvement store and pick up wide, thick, soft rope and it will run you maybe $20 at the most,” James said.
“Instead of a belt, you can use a scarf or a tie. You can run to Goodwill and pick up a bunch of really ugly ties. Never use handcuffs, even the fuzzy ones, because they tighten. They are also extremely dangerous because, since they are metal, they are designed to injure people and I know of people who have successfully cut their wrists on a pair of handcuffs.”
Equipment aside, there are other safety precautions to take into consideration.
“I know people who have dislocated joints so, as silly as it sounds, limber up before you get tied down,” Sumner said. “Watch how far you stretch and how tightly you are tied down. Suspension bondage is another area to watch for safety precautions. Make sure whatever your hooks are drilled into can hold it. If your ceiling is covered in a dry wall material, don’t put hooks in it.”
One way to avoid problems is to make sure the person tied down can feel their hands and is not in extreme discomfort.
James also recommends a practice he calls the cuticle test. Check the person’s fingernails by pressing on them gently and then releasing. This will cause the skin under the nail to go white and then back to pink or red as circulation resumes.
If it takes more than a few seconds for the nail to turn pink or red this means circulation is being cut off and the restraints should be loosened or removed. Frequency of this test should depend on how tight the restraints are on the person.
“We also check for the temperature of the hands. I also recommend that, when starting out, people shouldn’t use a gag because the person being tied down needs to be able to utter some form of safe word,” the 25-year-old said. “And I recommend having a safe word. It needs to be easily understood and it needs to have at least one plosive consonant in it, such as a ‘t’ or ‘b’ or ‘p,’ because these can be said and understood even if there is something in the person’s mouth.”
There is an online community called Fetlife for people who are looking for more information, which is like a social network Web site for people with fetishes.
If you are looking for a place to purchase items, James recommended Stockroom.com.
“As with most new things, be cautious and study before jumping in,” James said.
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